I often find myself thinking things only to realize I’ve thought them before.
This is expected when it comes to thoughts like, “this is the slowest traffic light in the world,” or “please let my daughter sleep in today,” but it also happens as I write my weekly columns.
Sometimes it’s a line of thought that stays with me plodding slowly after me like a zombie trying to feed off what little brains I have left.
Other times, they’re premises that marinate within my subconscious only popping up when the conditions are right, like werewolves drawn toward the harvest moon.
They’re easy to identify when scrolling through my “scrap content” file looking at the one-liners and paragraphs I’ve lovingly trimmed from past columns for space or for narrative consistency.
Occasionally, I draw upon this resource to help shape a draft in progress. And other times I bundle a few favorite bits and repurpose them as a clip-show column to keep the content coming.
That’s what I’m doing this week with a few brief excerpts for another clip-show column swept from the cutting room floor.
On Bonding with Other Parents
There are several people in my life who I speak to on a normal basis and know everything about except for their last name. It’s a little awkward to ask for a proper introduction after talking at length about their most intimate concerns and vulnerabilities.
“Haha, of course it doesn’t mean you’re a failure as a parent just because he won’t stop crying when he sees you. Anyways, what’s your name again?” It doesn’t really flow.
On My Daughter’s (former) Nursery
Don’t worry, my daughter doesn’t sleep in a closet; it’s just a room with closet-like tendencies.
On Sibling Rivalry
Here are just a few things my brothers and I have competed over:
- What color game pieces we each get in a game of Sorry.
- How to determine who gets to first choose what color game piece they’ll have in a game of Sorry.
- How to determine the way to determine who gets to first choose what color game piece they’ll have in a game of Sorry.
- And, how to determine whether that determination method should be conducted once, until someone wins two-out-of-three times, or until someone wins three-out-of-five times.
On Living with a Girl
The most life-changing aspect of living with my wife is a constant sense of consideration for someone else’s needs. For example, I’m far more likely to finish doing the dishes late at night out of consideration for how much nicer her day will start if she walks into a clean kitchen.
If it were just me, I’d wait until everything, including the Christmas-themed serving platters were still dirty. I know this because I spent a whole year living with five other guys in college and once all the dishes were dirty we just switched to paper plates.
It’s not that we didn’t know how to clean dishes, it’s just that to get to the sink you had to pass the fridge and the fridge was full of beer so who feels like doing dishes when you’ve got a fridge full of beer? It all made sense at the time.
On Paper Towels
Paper towels are easily my favorite perforated product.
Research shows that paper towels are actually cleaner than cloth towels and air dryers, according to Bathroom Attendant’s Magazine: The Go-To News Source for When You Have to Go.
On Santa
Has anyone ever proven that Santa’s not a vampire? And what’s with all the nose twitching? He’s showing a suspicious amount of energy for someone who hasn’t worked in a year.
On Baby’s First Christmas
A surprising amount of stress comes when baby’s first Christmas falls on the tail end of the baby’s first year. We’ve had over ten months of anticipation for this moment, which instills a pressing need to get everything just right (even though, of course, we don’t because we’re busy parenting a BABY).
On Christmas in New England
On a snow-filled Christmas Eve I’d put New England churches up against the finest cathedrals anywhere in the world. I’ve never been to the Sistine Chapel but I doubt the Pope has ever sang Silent Night while watching a fresh coat of snow slowly fill one of Connecticut’s picturesque town greens.
On New Year’s Eve
New Years Eve has never been that big of a holiday for me. My mother always excused her anti-social New Years streak by chiding that there were too many drunk drivers on the road. This isn’t as big a concern since the Mad Men-style culture has passed. It’s 2020 now, our drivers aren’t all drunk; lots of them are just high on opioids.
There’s no better way to ring in the new year than an atmosphere of self-imposed fear.
On the Arts
By investing in HBO instead of PBS, we’ve lifted the fortunes of Hollywood executives instead of arts communities in every city in our country.
We have The Wire showing how hopeless inner city life has become without even a glimmer of hope for how to work our way out.
If Family Ties were made today the father wouldn’t run a local television station, he’d be just another one of Bill Maher’s producers waiting outside a marijuana dispensary so Maher can spend his time focusing on the show.
On Barbershop Chair Conversations
New barbers always want some guidance but they’re the experts. My default instruction is, “short but not too short,” which is as helpful as turning on GPS to find out if you should turn left or right only to be told to, “turn south.”
Thanks Siri, just give me a second to take out my trusty compass.
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