The Summer Olympics were underway when I first met my wife Jenny. They’ve been an important part of our lives every fourth-year since.
We were both sad when this year’s were postponed, but as first-time parents to a fifteen-month-old child, there’s no shortage of action around our house.
Our baby is now a toddler, which brings a whole new series of challenges. Many of these challenges require great athleticism and dexterity.
When viewed the right way, our new parenting tasks start filling in that Summer-Olympic void.
Though no torch has been lit, the Toddler Olympics have officially begun at the Gaffney household.
Here is a partial list of the competitions underway:
Wrestling
The International Olympic Committee touts Greco-Roman Wrestling as “arguably the oldest competitive sport in the world.”
It’s good they use the word arguably for a statement that is so clearly not true. As every parent knows, the most competitive wrestling matches come while trying to change a determined toddler’s diaper.
The struggle has raged since Adam and Eve changed their first-born’s fig leaf. That’s why the expression “raising Cain” is named after their son, and why diapers were traditionally fastened with pins.
Before the earliest Greco-Roman wrestlers ever stepped into the arena, they had a parent chasing them down to put a fresh diaper under their toga.
Diaper-Changing Wrestling is inarguably the oldest competitive sport in the world.
Diving
Though not quite as majestic as watching highly-trained athletes soar through the air, High-Chair High Dives transform ordinary bits of food into flying bodies of art.
Admire the perfect form with which your child tosses her baby carrots or ooh and ahh as bits of pineapple rotate the full distance from the tray to the floor. As with the original, extra points are awarded for dives producing a minimal splash.
Fencing
Fencers focus their incredible dexterity and flexibility to wield a foil in both the Summer Olympics and the Toddler Olympics. But while the official fencing foil is a silver-tipped sword, Toddler fencing foils consist of closed doors, child-proof fences, and drawer locks.
Toddlers’ parents must always be “en garde.”
Basketball
The NBA may be suspended but Olympic-caliber competition is alive and well in my household where our toddler has a ball taking every toy out of her basket. Then, putting them back in; then, taking them back out. She’s never once ended a round with all of the toys back in the basket.
This leads us to Hurdling, which is the only way to get through my living room when she’s awake.
Swimming – Individual Medley
The goal of this competition is to fully bathe your toddler before she is able to splash all of the water out of the tub. Participants may use a variety of moves including the backstroke, the breaststroke, and my signature move, the neck floss (patent pending).
Sprinting
In homage to the Summer Olympics’ three sprints (100 meter, 200 meter, and 400 meter), the Toddler Olympics also have three popular sprints.
Instead of medals, winners get rewarded by enjoying the entire day without a trip to the emergency room. The three events are: the ‘Race to Keep Her from Pulling Something Heavy on Top of Her,’ the ‘Stairs are Open Sprint,’ and the ‘What’s in Your Mouth!? Dash.’
Each requires participants to burst into action from a full stop and often end in dramatic displays of hyperventilation while crying on the ground.
As in the Summer Olympics, athletes are expected to perform regardless of physical ability. Oscar Pistorius rose to fame by running with no feet, which is how I feel after sitting on the floor playing for an hour.
Shot Put
The name of this event honors toddlers’ developmental difficulties with language and comprehension. Instead of the traditional Shot Put, Toddlers have the Sock Put, wherein parents must keep socks on their toddlers’ feet.
Like the shot put, it sounds incredibly easy but takes great strength and concentration to do well.
Relay
Thankfully, the Rocking Her to Sleep Relay comes less frequently in toddler times. Parents can be called upon to join this competition at a moment’s notice during periods of sickness, teething, and/or general irritability.
Success at this competition opens the door to our final Toddler Olympic event, which is every parent’s favorite: Synchronized Sleeping.
Parenting isn’t really all that different from the Olympics. Both have people from all over the world endlessly repeating the same tasks over and over again until it becomes the defining part of their identities.
The Olympic Creed states: “The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.”
A similar creed for The Toddler Olympics might read in part: The most important thing in the Toddler Olympics is not to parent perfectly but to be present as parents in both the triumphs and the struggles.
Through deeds like these, we might just live up to the slogan of the 2012 London Olympics, which was to, “Inspire a Generation.”
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