There are lots of books in my house.
Most are on shelves, some are in piles, and many others are scattered all around the house, except for in the bathroom.
Thankfully, smartphones have made the tacky basket-full-of-books-in-the-bathroom trend obsolete. Read More
One year from today will be my fortieth birthday but nobody will care because one year from today is also the 2020 Presidential election.
I’m thinking about going to Ireland that week. No man should have to ponder his own life’s meaning with Chris Matthews yammering in the background. Read More
Baby peepers combine the best of humanity (babies) with the worst (energy-sucking leaches).
Unlike seasonal leaf peepers, baby peepers are always lurking, eager to siphon off my daughter Senita’s happiness during even our most mundane activities. Read More
Nobody likes to feel stupid so it is infuriating when our language trips us up. I’m not talking about auto-correct or remembering which too to use, I’m talking about blatantly butchering a word and being too stupid to know.
This happens to me all the time. Read More
Cold cuts separate us from the barbarians.
Without deli meat we’d simply wander around at lunchtime gnawing on turkey legs and lamb shanks. Read More
My favorite words to say are “I told you so.”
The words flood my brain with a mixture of dopamine and self-satisfaction that makes me feel exceptional.
I used to feel guilty about this pleasure. Read More
On Super Bowl Sunday this year, I was live texting my take on the Puppy Bowl to a couple of old college pals, as any red-blooded American man does.
With genuine interest, I surveyed my friends to find out which ones were “Team Ruff” and which were “Team Fluff.” One of my angrier friends replied, “whichever team supports my right to bear arms under the second amendment.”
When politics has reached the Puppy Bowl, nothing is safe. Read More
Snowstorms dominate Connecticut culture. Whereas other states focus on economic competitiveness or raising residents’ quality of life, we get fired up about local weather forecasts.
The government requires all men over the age of fifty to be proficient in reading doppler radar charts with hour-by-hour precipitation breakdowns. Read More
An essential truth of modern life is that people are stupider when I’m in a bad mood. This is especially true inside my local grocery store.
I’m not sure how the entire store’s behavior is calibrated to my mood, but the correlation cannot be denied. My local grocery store has the cosmic accuracy of a thousand mood rings. I can chart my emotional state by carefully watching other people’s behavior while I’m shopping. Read More
A year or two back, I started actively responding to pleasantries that people don’t really mean to offer.
Most people mindlessly say “thank you,” “excuse me,” “sorry,” or any number of other pleasantries without realizing that they’re engaging in small signs of submissiveness. We can call them micro-submissions. Read More