In the fall of 2003, it took me under an hour to load everything I owned into my truck and move to a new state. In the fall of 2019, it took me five hours to load my car for an overnight trip.

The difference?

A seven-month-old baby.

Leaving my house now involves planning on par with the Russian annexation of a former Soviet state, and accordingly happens just as sporadically.

To manage these frustrations, I’ve broken my packing strategy into three different categories: jaunts about town, day-long excursions, and full deployments.

Jaunts About Town

Jaunts about town are simple. All I need is a stroller, a diaper bag, two bottles, and a sufficient supply of room-temperature breast milk that won’t spoil within the time allotted for my jaunt.

Why two bottles, the savvy reader asks? Because a single bottle’s nipple always clogs. Nobody knows why.

Diaper bags are essential; they are the life preservers keeping infant caregivers afloat in the chaotic sea of life.

Inside my diaper bag at all times are enough diapers, wipes, and butt creams to triage a mid-sized daycare for upwards of five hours. Also: backup outfits, noise-protecting headphones, UV-protecting sunglasses, hairbrush for my wife (with a hair tie wrapped around the handle), diaper changing pad, and plastic bags for holding soiled diapers.

While all of this isn’t necessary for a jaunt about town, I suggest carrying it anyways so that the answer to most “where did you put the ____” questions is simple: “In the diaper bag.”

Keeping the diaper bag pre-packed also allows for spontaneously transitioning jaunts about town into day-long excursions, which is inevitable when the baby requires feeding or changing more than once.

Day-long Excursions

If you’ve never left the house for an entire day with a baby, imagine planning for a day at the beach and then imagine carrying out that plan while wrestling a monkey that you are legally prohibited from leaving alone or caging.

Day-long excursions incorporate all of the challenges of a jaunt about town with additional hurdles for the procurement of more room-temperature breast milk and for the proper storage of aging breast-milk. This can range anywhere from coolers and ice packs to breast pumps, batteries (and/or car outlet extension cords), and a lactating woman, so pack accordingly.

Additional accommodations should be made for the baby’s napping needs. I suggest an idling car parked in the shade with tinted windows, although pack-and-plays, Dock-a-Tots, or your own arms are suitable alternatives.

Overnight Stays (Full Deployment)

Overnight trips with babies incorporate all the fun of moving without the hassle of boxes, packaging tape, and professional movers.

It doesn’t matter if it’s for one night or for a hundred nights, all available resources must accompany the child to provide for his or her safety and well-being.

In addition to the Jaunt About Town Starter Set and the Day-Long Excursion Expansion Pack (patent pending), you’ll need supplies for bathing, pajamaing, sleeping, and monitoring the baby.

Every sense must be considered. Lighting should be dark enough to soothe the baby to sleep, but bright enough to enable checking for things like soiled diapers, airway obstructions, and (in the event of unexplainable night terrors) pacifier placement.

Sound is also important. White noise machines produce ambient noise while also blocking external sounds and lead you to constantly say to your spouse, “Is that rain? My app said it wouldn’t rain, but that sounds like rain.”

Temperature variables must also be accounted for within the child’s sleeping arrangements. However, please note that fans scare the hell out of babies and every expert agrees that blankets kill sleeping babies. Therefore, creativity is highly encouraged on this front. Good luck!

Packing to go somewhere with a baby presents many challenges. Discerning parents should scrutinize each item trying only to bring a single car-load of the most necessary items.

The silver lining is that it is way easier to pack for the one place all parents want to go: home. Because the rule when packing for home is simple: if you own it, it comes back with you. Once you remember where to put it.

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