“Do your research” is to online arguments as “you’re not my father” is to arguments with stepdads.
Both expressions seek to immediately end disagreements by referencing absent authorities that usually don’t hold up to scrutiny and may never be seen again.
When someone says to “do your research,” they’re not talking about applying unbiased scientific or academic research methods to critically solve complex problems.
What they’re actually saying is, “align your worldview to mine by subscribing to the same beliefs I follow.”
It’s a rhetorical device meant to shut things down. But, unlike a girlfriend screaming, “don’t tell me how to feel,” or a parent chastising “because I said so,” the phrase “do your research” opens a window for introducing new evidence.
If you’ve ever gotten schooled in an online argument when an opponent lays down the “Do Your Research” card, now you can be schooled by me (a totally trustworthy man with a .com url) on how to do the research they asked for to actually win your online argument.
While I have both a Juris Doctorate and a Bachelor’s Degree in Writing with a Concentration in Political Rhetoric, the credential that most qualifies me in this area is having watched an embarrassing number of episodes from the 2012 MTV show Catfish.
Catfish was a show where a guy named Nev (pronounced NEEVE) calls incredibly trashy people to help them find out if their online boyfriends and girlfriends are fake.
I am not above watching scripted reality TV, but Catfish pushed the suspension of disbelief too far. I couldn’t get past the absurdity of none of the Jerry-Springerish people getting tripped up on the name NEEVE.
Not even once does someone he cold calls ask, “Are you saying Steve!?” They all just pretend to live the kind of life where it’s normal for someone named Nev to call them for a chat.
Nevertheless (production critique aside), Catfish taught me that logic and reason have no place online. In order to understand Internet people, you need to think like Internet people.
That’s the organizing principle behind the following tips on how to “do your research” for online arguments:
Tip #1: Ignoor Speling and Grammer
Grammar is a weapon wielded by the Illuminati to try and control our thoughts. Spelling is the foot soldier beating every word into submission.
Have you ever heard the expression “grammar Nazi” before? That’s (probably) where it comes from. Open your mind!
Tip #2: Invoke Immediacy
While it’s true that everything lives forever on the Internet, the only thing that matters is whatever’s being talked about now. Just ask the Gangnam Style guy.
When it comes to sources, “I’ve heard” is good, but, “I’m hearing” is better because it invokes immediacy. Neither need to be true; it can only be fact-checked if you crack.
Tip #3: Choose Visuals Over Citations
Citations don’t matter, they merely give your opponents a chance to point out flaws in your argument.
This is why I highly suggest using only screenshots to prove your point. Extra points if you highlight or circle relevant portions in neon colors.
Tip #4: Choose Sources that Talk Like You
Every mainstream media source has been effectively smeared online so using them only adds fuel to your adversaries’ fire.
There’s nothing more embarrassing than quoting a source only to find out it’s run by someone who thinks differently than you.
That’s why the best information comes from memes shared by patriotic-sounding Facebook pages with unmockable names like “Friends of Freedom” or “We Stand for the Flag and Kneel for Jesus.”
Sure, a journalist’s lifelong dedication to a profession (with active affiliation in nonpartisan guilds that champion industry standards and practices) sounds good but it can’t match the passion of either a full-time YouTube personality who only gets paid when millions click or of talented hackers propped up by Russian oligarchs eager to please their dictatorial overlord.
Every voice is equal online so there’s no risk in exclusively choosing ones that talk the way you feel.
Tip #5: Make Google Work for You
When Googling something, be sure to type in the exact result you want.
Search engines don’t care about objectivity or context, they only care about the relevance between the search and the results.
It is far more effective to research something with a pre-formed conclusion than to start researching before your mind is made up.
For example, when I Google “Frasier TV show,” I’m shown the show’s Wikipedia page and IMDB listing. Boring!
When I Google “Frasier is a great show,” I’m shown a quote pulled from Reddit reading “Frasier is not simply ‘good,’ it’s brilliant. Brilliant cast, brilliant writing. It’s one of the best sitcoms in the world history of sitcoms. It’s a fantastic series.”
Yet when I Google “Frasier sucks,” I get a Reddit article with a meta description reading in part, “the more I watch it, the more I find myself hating Frasier. He is a giant prick.”
Of course he is! This is the kind of research we can rely on for an informed dialogue! Online research responds favorably to aggressive search terms.
The most important thing to remember when someone online tells you to “do your research” is that they don’t want you to be better informed on a topic so that the conversation reaches a more meaningful depth. They simply want you to look at the information that supports their conclusions.
We’re fortunate to live at the dawn of the information age where (for the first time) we have easy access to most of our ancestral knowledge.
But it isn’t timeless works by great thinkers like Aristotle, Seneca, or Andy Rooney that are most persuasive; we’re most persuaded by the things that look and sound like us, which isn’t actually doing any research after all.
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