Honing my creative voice is one of my favorite things about writing.
Because I work primarily in the creative nonfiction, memoir, and humor genres, the creative voice I’m honing sounds an awful lot like my inner voice. The voice that helps me process and make sense of the world.
Many writers in these genres say that they either write to discover themselves or to make sense of the world; both are true in my case.
This week’s column differs from my usual approach and reflects my best attempt at incorporating aspects of the late, great Erma Bombeck’s voice with mine.
Erma Bombeck stands apart as one of the great nonfiction humorists of modern times, particularly in the areas of motherhood, family, and homemaking.
The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop is the go-to destination for current humor writers. Their 2020 conference included a writing competition for pieces written in Erma’s spirit.
Though I did not win (or even place), I’m happy to share my entry tonight. It is primarily written in my voice with a few nods to Erma throughout in the spirit of the contest:
Who Needs a Mother’s Intuition When You’ve Got Technology?
I quit my job after my daughter’s birth to provide her with round-the-clock care, but modern technology beat me to it.
She has a bassinet that rocks her, a rubber ducky that alerts us when the bath is too hot, and a white noise machine that makes sure her naps are not disturbed. Who needs a mother’s intuition when you’ve got technology? Intuition is out and technology is in.
I didn’t expect technology to have a big part in my daughter’s infancy, but I became a quick convert after she was born with breathing issues. Whereas anxious parents of the past lowered mirrors to make sure their babies were still breathing, our smart sock tells me mine’s still breathing (along with her heartbeat and oxygen levels).
Technology has it all covered; even cleaning is easier.
The days of scrubbing floors and beating rugs have long passed. My roomba sweeps under the high chair, entertains the baby, and provides a passive income stream. I charge the mothers in our playgroup $10 an hour to let their babies crawl after it. It burns off toddler energy and is cheaper than a babysitter.
As for tracking my daughter’s development, there’s an app for that; several, in fact. One for checking off each milestone, one providing age-appropriate activities, and one for diagnosing every medical symptom as proof of a “colicky baby.”
God bless American entrepreneurialism for rushing to meet my daughter’s every need. When she’s older, her incessant questions won’t be answered with “because I said so,” but rather with, “ask Alexa.”
Technology will raise her right.
I’m saving up for an ‘intelligent baby feeding monitor’ that tracks how much she drinks, the milk’s temperature, and the bottle’s angle as she drinks it. I don’t know what I’ll do with that information, but I’d rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
After that I’ll get the smart car seat to let me know the temperature in the back seat, along with the add-on sensor warning me if I’ve left her parked inside a hot car. Then comes the blue-tooth-enabled pacifier and the smart diaper with a wearable humidity sensor. There’s even a changing pad telling you if a baby’s gaining enough weight before AND after she poops.
Modern technology has greatly improved the lives of stay-at-home parents; I just need to go back to work to afford it.
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