Now that a full month has passed since my wife went back to work, I can reliably report that so long as my daughter Senita cannot crawl, walk, talk, or tell on me (and continues to nap frequently), I like being a stay-at-home dad.
That may change as her powers increase but I’m hopeful the experience will only get even better.
There are no community programs for four-month-olds in my area so we mostly just hang out around the house. We occasionally go out for lunch or for a walk in the park where the elderly women make a little too much of a fuss over her.
Our first lunch date was to Panera Bread where I was outraged to find no changing table in the men’s room. After texting my dismay to my wife Jenny she told me to check the handicapped stall where I found a horizontal-mounted Koala Care changing station.
It makes no sense to put it there when so much wall space is available outside the stall. They’re just inviting an inevitable showdown between able-bodied infants and disabled adults. It isn’t clear who wins in that situation and I hope I never have to find out.
Running errands with Senita is like going out with a low-level celebrity such as a cast member from a CBS sitcom. People stop to take notice but mostly let us go about our day. Occasionally cashiers call friends from the back to come look and people hurry to hold doors open for us.
My favorite thing about being a stay-at-home dad is seeing how people react to hearing the news. I didn’t expect it to be provocative, but it always elicits a reaction.
Much like telling someone that you’re double-jointed, they aren’t about to call you a liar, but having heard it they now want to see it for themselves.
Women, in particular, receive the news with a twinkle in their eye and a slight cock of one eyebrow, as if wondering if I’m up to the challenge.
It’s the same look Jenny gets at Thai restaurants when she orders above 3 hot peppers on their spicy chart.
Of course I’m not sure if I can handle it but I’ve made my choice so lower your eyebrow and let’s find out together.
We’re all just one neurological misfire away from declaring ourselves Mayor of the Marshmallows and barricading ourselves inside a candy shop so I might as well roll the dice from inside my own home where I’m less likely to get hurt.
In honor of surpassing the one-month mark as a solo stay-at-home dad I’m sharing some excerpts of what that time’s been like:
Tuesday 05/07/2019 10:02 AM
Why are they drinking wine on the Today Show? It’s ten in the morning!
Tuesday 05/07/2019 11:06 AM
*Reads box of Pampers Ultra Swaddlers*
Protects for twelve hours!? This pack will last me a month!
Thursday 05/09/2019 02:14 PM
That didn’t last long.
*Buys another case of Pampers Ultra Swaddlers*
Monday 05/13/2019 02:30 PM
Time to go for a walk!
*Baby cries* Oh, she has a dirty diaper.
02:38 PM
Time to go for a walk!
*Baby cries* How is she still hungry?
02:56 PM
Time to go for a walk!
*Baby cries* Another dirty diaper? Guess I overfed her.
03:04 PM
Time to go for a walk!
Oh, she’s sleeping.
Tuesday 05/14/2019 11:16 AM
*Reads marketing email from old employer*
Is that the third person they’ve hired to replace me? Heh heh, suckers.
<sighs> I miss commuting.
Thursday 05/16/2019 01:48 PM
*Pulls into Starbucks drive through*
Time for an iced coffee and a turkey pesto panini.
*Baby cries, drives away before ordering*
Gotta keep moving.
Friday 05/17/2019 3:08 PM
*Texts wife*
She’s been feeling crummy all day and just needs to be held the whole time. Makes me glad someone is home with her, not sure how this would work if she were in daycare.
*Thinks to self*
I haven’t been able to feel my legs for three hours…
Sunday 05/19/2019 05:28 AM
Is today Tuesday? Oh, it’s Sunday? I knew that.
Monday 05/20/2019 07:32 AM
Our first out-of-town guests arrive for the baptism on Friday. All I have to do before then is clean the bathrooms, sweep and mop the floors.
Wednesday 05/22/2019 09:38 PM
Our first out-of-town guests arrive for the baptism on Friday. All I have to do before then is wash the dishes, put away the laundry, clean the bathrooms, sweep, and mop the floors.
Friday 05/24/2019 01:17 AM
Screw it, they know we have a baby.
Wednesday 05/29/2019 03:16 AM
*Wakes wife up by returning baby to bassinet. Aggressively mimes shh*
Wednesday 05/29/2019 04:08 AM
*Stands over bassinet for an hour holding sleeping baby’s legs so she doesn’t kick herself awake.*
Wednesday 05/29/2019 10:02 AM
Maybe you’re right Hoda, that glass of wine looks pretty good…
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