It may have already started by now: the annual flood of Facebook memes bemoaning celebrations of Christopher Columbus because of his less-than-stellar reputation when it comes to things like slavery, genocide, and rape.
These posts have become as reliable a part of our American tradition as local news stories speculating on the best Super Bowl commercials. They are reliable views in an increasingly competitive marketplace.
Of course, the anti-Columbus posts are answered with equal passion by posts railing against PC culture and “libtards” who’ve gotten out of control. The heartland will explode tomorrow with retweets from accounts with names like Sons of Freedom and Patriotic Defenders of Liberty.
Russia’s got their outrage machine dialed way up for this one.
So what are we to do? While I’m usually all for bullying a ghost, I’d prefer to see our country get in front of the outrage by changing Columbus Day to Capitalism Day.
That’s what people are really reacting to on Columbus Day – Columbus’ entrepreneurial gumption mixed with the callousness for humanity that followed.
Capitalism’s history isn’t any less controversial than Christopher Columbus’, but de-personalizing the conversation lets us place it within the wider arc of history. To weigh the good of things like life-saving drugs against the darker parts like sweatshops and economic disparities we struggle to control.
It’s a conversation we need to have – regularly and often: how to balance the best and worst parts of our economic system.
It’s also a more fruitful conversation than judging dead peoples’ morals.
When it comes to America, capitalism is king. That’s as true today as it was back then.
Columbus didn’t sail west in search of new rules of parliamentary procedure, he wanted that next spice everyone would just have to have.
Christopher Columbus’ modern counterparts don’t work for NASA, they work for Frito Lay pushing out weird new potato chip flavors like Biscuits & Gravy.
Pumpkin Spice is more important to most of our lives than the Administrator of the FDA even though he’s the one responsible for ensuring there isn’t opium mixed in with our seasonal latte.
Nobody pushed the western frontier hoping to draft a resolution, they did it to line their pockets with gold and tell their former oppressors to shove off.
Those impulses still move us.
Capitalism has learned how to squeeze profit from disagreement. We’re fracking our civility so opportunists can make a living off the back of other people’s outrage.
There are now entire industries making their livelihoods telling others to shove off from academics to Buzzfeed writers and political activists.
On Capitalism Day we’ll celebrate that all of these whackos can make a living from these deep-held convictions, even when they rise to the level of farce.
It’s a bubble that’s bound to burst. The books don’t add up. Societal outrage has been grossly inflated and shifted around like Enron dollars so that everyone has a claim to it but nobody can pin it down.
I don’t know anyone who actually has an all-or-nothing view of others.
Who are these people and how do they get through life without being left entirely alone? Haven’t they ever had a family member cheat on their spouse, an appallingly racist relative, or a brother who’s a dick? I’ve had all of those but I’m not changing my last name over it.
Though if I were going to change my last name it would be something that sounds awesome following Chris, like P. Taco.
Despite the outrage spinning around on Facebook, I know it hasn’t reached critical mass yet because I keep seeing a commercial where Christopher Columbus’ likeness is sitting in a hot tub to promote this week’s low prices on all hot tubs and jacuzzi’s.
But the time is fast approaching.
Eight states and more than 130 cities have changed Columbus Day to some variation of Indigenous Peoples Day. That’s a worthy alternative, but one that feeds right back into the outrage by seeming to take something from one class of people and just to give it to another.
Columbus Day has been compromised. It’s time to push off for new shores. It’s what Columbus himself would’ve done. Once he raised the capital to pay for it.
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