Nobody likes making plans during the holidays – especially writers on a deadline. As 2019 winds down (and my holiday plans reach their apex), I’m once more reaching into my bag of tricks to pull out a clip show column.
The original column, titled Sweepings from the Cutting Room Floor, was put out during a self-imposed paternity leave where I pre-scheduled columns as though I were an organized professional.
The column was inspired by clip-show episodes of sitcoms that were popular in the 1980s as shows struggled to reach the necessary episode count for syndication.
My first clip-show column featured premises and paragraphs that had been cut from past columns. While I loved the material, it was either a bit off-topic for the column or pushed me beyond my word-count target and therefore ended up on the cutting room floor.
I was surprised by the clip-show column’s popularity. Americans have always loved redemption stories.
Following are some “new” one-liners and short paragraphs that I cut from past columns:
A great line sidelined by indecision over whether to make Mayflowers one word or two:
April showers bring May flowers, which bring smallpox to the natives.
April showers bring Mayflowers, which bring smallpox to the natives.
On Turning 40 the Day of the 2020 Presidential Election:
How can I enjoy Facebook well-wishes from childhood friends while also ignoring their KGB memes about how whoever the Democrat nominee is once smoked weed with Bin Laden?
On Hollywood:
They’re simply making more of everything now. How many different versions of Spider-Man’s uncle need to die before we say enough is enough?
On Education:
We didn’t spend thousands of dollars and years of our time on my wife’s MBA just to have it sit unused – that’s why we have my law degree.
On Psychology:
I’ve never studied psychology, but I imagine there’s a course called Mother’s Day 101.
On Neighbors:
After cutting my lawn, I love it when my neighbors don’t get home until well after dark. I revel in the thought of them parting their curtains to see that their formerly-nice lawn now looks mangled and overgrown (when compared to mine) through no fault of their own.
On Parenting Status:
Being a stay-at-home dad skyrocketed me right past the Beginners Level into Bronze Status but I’m still several public meltdowns away from Gold and at least three stranger-dangers away from earning Papa Bear status.
On Electrical Outlets:
Electrical outlets are the original emojis.
On the Not-so-Nifty Fifties:
Summer is a time for discovery, not nostalgia. My mother’s generation romanticized things like the summer of love or John Travolta crying over an age-inappropriate girlfriend he stalked outside a high school.
On Contests:
It amazes me how every contest I don’t win is rigged or unfair while the ones I do win are all above board.
On High School:
I was a good kid and smart enough not to register for any senior classes involving either math or science.
On Bonding with a Baby:
I found my newborn daughter off-putting. Until she learned to smile, I worried that she might be French.
On Context:
Like a box of wine shared between redneck housewives, “I told you so” can be received with good humor or as a splash in the face from a koozie-insulated drankin’ cup; context is the key.
On Baby’s First Halloween:
Baby clothes are basically Halloween costumes already but since she’s our first child we’re still excited enough to dress her up.
On Sleep:
Binge sleepers will never know the glory of setting their eyes on dusk with a replenished mind that’s primed to grasp the fresh possibilities of an evening.
On Car Seats:
The police told me to put the baby’s car seat on the passenger side so it doesn’t face the street when I parallel park. But I don’t live in a Woody Allen movie so parallel parking was never actually on the table.
On Spontaneity
I want to consider myself a spontaneous guy but every time I do something even remotely fun, my credit card company calls thinking “that can’t possibly be HIM.”
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