There are too many items in my life with grooves and ridges that need regular cleaning.
I’m fine giving anything a quick rinse, passing a sponge over it, or even providing a quick scrub to a stubborn surface but I’ve reached my breaking point with grooves and ridges. They’re simply too much work to clean.
For example, coffee filter baskets have been the bane of my existence for decades. It’s hard to believe that there’s no better way to hold a coffee filter in place than with a series of tiny ridges spaced a quarter of a finger-width apart.
Every time I glance into the basket I wonder, “how is it still dirty? Is it just stained or is it residue?”
No matter how many times I wash it, something more always seems to come off. It haunts me in the middle of the night making me wonder if my basket is trapping in moisture or bacteria that endanger the health of my family.
My electric toothbrush is another serial offender, both with the rubber-ridged handle that traps discolorations and the plastic-ridged travel case that traps in moisture.
Do I really need to start every day by holding something so frustratingly difficult to clean? I’m constantly manipulating Clorox wipes in absurd ways to try and get the handle clean.
My list of similarly offensive items is extensive with things like serrated knives, Mason jar threads, and Tupperware tops.
I have to fold the corner of my dish towel and slide it along the groove of a Tupperware top to dry it before storing, or I need to leave it upright on the counter for days.
And don’t get me started on the nasty crust on condiment caps dropping ketchup peels and dripping mustard water all over my cookout. No matter how hard I shake the bottle, a little gooey discharge is always there.
And don’t you dare accuse me of being a lazy lid wiper, no matter how clean I leave it trapped air forces more to ooze out.
This problem isn’t limited to the kitchen. The decorative lip on the bottom of my TV stand needs special attention when I’m dusting. And I have no idea what’s happening between the grates of my bathroom ventilation fan, but I know I don’t like it.
Baby products, though, are the worst offenders. Nobody warned me how hard it would be to clean all of that stuff.
Every bottle, sippy cup, and breast bump part has a system of its own that defies the logic of the others.
Have you ever cleaned a nipple?
Before I even became a father, Dr. Brown had me cleaning them five at a time with a special nipple-sized wire brush he provided along with a proclamation on the urgent need to sanitize all of my nipples prior to use.
“Get a cold air humidifier,” they all said. To help her breathe and acclimate to dry air or allergens in your home. But nobody warned me about the ridges and the water they trap growing pink bacteria like Petri dishes in a college health clinic the week after spring break.
We think our kids are always sick because they put other kids’ noses directly into their mouths, but it might actually be because they’re surrounded by so many grooves and ridges that are impossible to clean.
Humankind has tackled major sanitization challenges throughout history. We’ve moved sewage underground, provided clean drinking water in most of the world, and offset air pollution from the industrial revolution’s earliest excesses.
I challenge the the greatest minds of our generation to rise to an even bigger challenge by removing hard-to-clean grooves and ridges from our lives once and for all.
If you enjoy my humor writing, please subscribe below.
If you want to syndicate this column, you may contact me here to discuss the details.
You may notice that I’ve disabled commenting on this post. I’d love to hear your thoughts by email at [email protected].
Check out The Uncommon Discourse Podcast, where acclaimed storyteller Chris Gaffney reads and discusses ten of his most popular humor columns.
Each episode is under ten minutes long and features Chris reading a favorite article along with a brief description of why the article means so much to him.
Find Season 01 on iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn.com, or stream/download episodes here: https://uncommondiscourse.com/podcast.