Chris Gaffney, Author at Uncommon Discourse

Daddy Karaoke

Mar 24, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnParenting Humor

Participating in school musicals is the most on-point preparation I’ve had for parenting.

They prepared me for the clunky emotional transitions that have me spontaneously bursting into song whenever it seems like the baby might cry.

I always found it peculiar when townspeople in musicals started bouncing up and down to ramp up a song from the leading man, but then I had a baby and started immediately bouncing her on my knee at the slightest sign of a furrowed brow.

Oh, we’ve got trouble my friend, right here in infant city. Read More

I Can’t Stop Comparing My Newborn Baby to a Cat

Mar 17, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnParenting Humor

If my cats saw a pet carrier, they knew they were going to the vet.

Yet when my baby sees her car seat she just sits there trying to figure out what the wiggly things are connected to her hand. Spoiler alert: they’re fingers. Read More

It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Mar 10, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnHoliday Humor

St. Patrick’s Day is one of the few remaining holidays that isn’t protested like the way human rights activists protest Columbus Day, antislavery crusaders protest President’s Day, or light sleepers protest Martin Luther King Jr.’s having a dream.

St. Patrick’s Day is the rare holiday that tries to unify everyone around an ethnicity whether they actually have it or not. Read More

Connecticut’s Obsession with Snowstorm Coverage

Mar 3, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnSociety Humor

Snowstorms dominate Connecticut culture. Whereas other states focus on economic competitiveness or raising residents’ quality of life, we get fired up about local weather forecasts.

The government requires all men over the age of fifty to be proficient in reading doppler radar charts with hour-by-hour precipitation breakdowns. Read More

Sweepings from the Cutting Room Floor

Feb 24, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnMusings Humor

Since I just had my first child, this week’s column features humorous bits cut from older articles to buy me another week while seeming like I’m offering fresh content. Read More

People Are Stupider When I’m in a Bad Mood

Feb 17, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnSociety Humor

An essential truth of modern life is that people are stupider when I’m in a bad mood. This is especially true inside my local grocery store.

I’m not sure how the entire store’s behavior is calibrated to my mood, but the correlation cannot be denied. My local grocery store has the cosmic accuracy of a thousand mood rings. I can chart my emotional state by carefully watching other people’s behavior while I’m shopping. Read More

A Simple Way to Start Winning More Conversations

Feb 10, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnSociety Humor

A year or two back, I started actively responding to pleasantries that people don’t really mean to offer.

Most people mindlessly say “thank you,” “excuse me,” “sorry,” or any number of other pleasantries without realizing that they’re engaging in small signs of submissiveness. We can call them micro-submissions. Read More

Is it Rude to Bring Noise-Canceling Headphones to My Child’s Birth?

Feb 3, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnMusings Humor

I’ve been full of various thoughts and anxieties leading up to my wife Jenny’s c-section scheduled for Tuesday morning.

The vast majority of them revolve around the health and well-being of my wife and daughter, which brings me some relief because that proves I’m not a narcissist. Although having that thought makes me wonder, again, if perhaps I am. Read More

The Super Bowl is America’s Office Party

Jan 27, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnPop Culture Humor

The Super Bowl is the closest thing we have to a national office party. Not a classy party either with a private room in the back of a restaurant or an after-hours shindig with spouses.

The Super Bowl is more like a low-budget office party that takes place during normal business hours so that it seems like leisure time, but you really aren’t free to leave. Read More

My Light Bulb Voodoo Curse

Jan 20, 2019Chris GaffneyWeekly Discourse ColumnHome & Garden Humor

Light bulbs always burn out faster when I’m the one who screws them in.

I know this because (despite having lived in my home for over three years) the vast majority of working light bulbs in my house were installed by the previous owners. Read More

Uncommon Discourse

by Chris Gaffney

Author: Chris Gaffney